Balance?

It's not my week to post, but here I am. Here I am, at 11:34pm, past my bedtime, with a host of thoughts and feelings, and a need to connect with you beautiful women. (Jason defines "beautiful" as that which brings us closer to God, so I feel very confident applying that adjective to each of you.) 

I've been pretty absent here. Completely absent, really. Child number dos kindof threw me for a loop. A big loop. I'm still in that loop. Motherhood is a complicated kind of a job, you know? I watched about 2 minutes of an interview with Jada Pinkett Smith where she spoke with her daughter about how motherhood is the most rewarding, most challenging thing, because of how difficult it is to find balance. 

Balance... that ever-elusive state. It's hard to balance the dreams of one's children, one's own dreams, and the dreams of one's spouse. How much time do I spend pursuing my kids' needs? How much time to I devote to my own? How much to my husband's? And then again, what ARE my actual needs? I have some, and what are they? Do they trump my child's? Do they come second? Is it different in every case? How do I give of myself, without becoming depleted? How do I refill and replenish in a way that honors myself, my spouse, and my child? 

And is it okay that I mourn a little bit the loss of my complete independence? That I sometimes dream of a Saturday wherein I wake up late, go for a run, take a looooooong shower, curl my hair, go out to breakfast by myself and read a book, then set out to get some things done and I get them done? 

And then the next minute, is it even normal that I'm completely sobbing with the enormity of the love I feel for my little ones? Thinking that I'd never change my life for anything, because of how my heart is never the same? These beautiful little eternities walking around my house, trusting me with their everything, and here I am wanting to run away from it all.

... But only sometimes, for maybe just a day, because as soon as I hear my little Lito cry, you'd best believe I'm running pell-mell to wipe those tears and make it better with my kisses. Because I treasure those sacred before-sleep moments with my Bean when he tells me what the planets were like when they were babies and what they ate to make them the colors they are, and how he holds my face and looks just exactly like an angel as he drifts off comfortably to sleep, safe in the arms of his mama, who just told him over and over that she loves him, just exactly as he is, and always and forever, just like God. 

And I'd never wish away the way my heart has grown three sizes toward all parents, the fellow sufferers and fellow rejoicers, caught, all of us together, in the same weird place where we don't know who we are, and have this faint whispering in our souls that we're just catching the vision of who we are becoming, who we've always been meant to be, the children of our Father who's walked this hallowed path before us and knows just perfectly the transformation a child enlivens upon a heart, because we've transformed His.

So maybe balance isn't it, after all. I guess balance looks different from day to day anyway, right? So what is it that I am really seeking? What is this direction that my heart is going, and my selfish self keeps pulling away from?

Jesus said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). 

What I really want is abundance. My carnal self, my worldly self, wants about 9 hours of sleep and to do whatever it is that strikes my fancy. But my other self, my real self, my steadily-growing-stronger-than-my-selfish self, wants abundance in a world that defines itself by scarcity and limitation. But Christ does not, the Father does not: 

Luke 1:33  And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.

Moses 1:38  And as one earth shall pass away, and the heavens thereof even so shall another come; and there is no end to my works, neither to my words.

Psalms 103:17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children’s children;

Doctrine and Covenants 20:17  By these things we know that there is a God in heaven, who is infinite and eternal, from everlasting to everlasting the same unchangeable God, the framer of heaven and earth, and all things which are in them;

Doctrine and Covenants 61:1  Behold, and hearken unto the voice of him who has all power, who is from everlasting to everlasting, even Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

Isaiah 9:7  Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this.

Italics added by me to emphasize to myself that God doesn't run out of things. He doesn't have a perishable amount of patience with me, He doesn't run out of help or hope or mercy or love or justice or peace. He IS abundance.

One translation I read of the above-mentioned John 10:10 takes the Greek to English in this way: "I came in order that they might continuously have life, even that they may continuously have it all-around."

Life all around. That certainly describes motherhood. Little lives all around. Surrounded by life, the real kind of life, the eternal kind of life.

Continuously having life all around. Sounds about perfect, does it not? It's exhausting sometimes. Much of the time, really, it's exhausting having that continuous life, all around, always around, always little life needing nourishment as it grows into real life, into eternal life. And there is our Father, there is our Mother, always around also, continuously giving life, giving nourishment, to the mothers and the fathers who give life, too.

Doctrine and Covenants 132:20  Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be gods, because they have all power, and the angels are subject unto them.

I found this last scripture as a stroke of complete mercy of the most tender variety. I am like Him when I continue. Continue having life, all around, everlasting to everlasting.

Not balance, but abundance: continuously all around, continuing everlastingly.

I believe He will give me that life. He is giving me that life, one day at a time, one tear at a time, one snuggle at a time, one heart-transforming moment at a time.

Life all around.

Traveling with "children" has never been easier

When Matt and I went to China and Taiwan this summer we decided to do something fun to "take along" the kids. We let each of them design a Lego person to represent themselves, then we brought the three Lego people on the trip. My parents used to do this with Beanie Babies when they'd travel without us, but using Lego people made it much more portable!

The kids loved looking at the pictures of all the places the Lego people visited, and we enjoyed how easily our "children" traveled. No whining, no need to observe bedtime or naptime, no complaints about the food, no diapers. . .

Next time you head off without the kids, this might be a fun way to "bring" them along.

   

Encouraging excitement with learning

I've been trying to enjoy my last few months with Zeke before he starts Kindergarten. So we started Mom and Zeke preschool to replace his preschool that he finished. We found a song on you tube here about the planets in our solar system. Zeke has had a fascination with the phases of the moon and I decided to try to expand that. Zeke loves the planet song and wants to watch it every day and I often here him singing under his breath "My name is Mars, I am red in color, the fourth planet from the sun!"

So we decided to find a solar system craft to work on during preschool. We found this one here and decided to use yarn instead of embroidery floss. Zeke helped pick out the balloons and cut the yarn but he didn't want to get his hands dirty with the glue and yarn. Apparently getting his hands dirty is just an outside thing. After they all dried we popped the balloons and soon discovered that you want to loosen up the yarn from the balloon before popping. Our poor sun looks a little worse for the wear.

We got all the planets hung up in his room yesterday and it has been a fun way to keep learning about the planets and why they are different colors and the storms and rings on them and how they orbit. Mostly it has been fun to watch Zeke so excited about learning!

National Parks with Kids

In the last 6 months we've taken our kids to a couple National Parks (Yellowstone last September, Zion in March), and I thought I'd share some of my thoughts about the experiences in case you choose to do a similar trip!

Packing Tips:
1. Hip packs - We always pack the kids' fanny packs full of snacks (including some special treats/snacks they don't normally get at home) and water to keep them moving on the hikes ("We can eat a snack when we get to that shady rock!). They are then in charge of their own tummies and it makes for fewer whining sessions.

2. Coats - Both Yellowstone and Zion were REALLY cold in the mornings during the times of year that we went, so we kept the kids' heavy coats in the car with us in case we got to a hike and decided they'd be more comfortable with a bigger coat. The rest of the day the coats just sat in the car.

3. Food - We brought coolers with breakfast and lunch basics. We also brought an electric tea kettle to make warm drinks and hot cereal. My kids wake up early and are always starving, so this ensured we could stuff them full of food before they ate the other hotel guests. It also made it easy to pack lunches to take with us, since restaurants and stores are few and far between in National Parks. The restaurants are also sometimes pricey and don't always offer things the kids want to eat.

4. Driving Entertainment - We have an in-car DVD player, which we save for road trips. My mom also sent us with little gifts for the kids to open every few hours in the car. They were things like koosh balls to throw around at rest stops, a special snack, balloon toys, etc. Small things that won't take up too much room work best. We always bring a few movement activities for rest stops, like balls and frisbies.

In-Park Tips:
1. Junior Ranger - My kids were very motivated by the Junior Ranger program offered by the Park. We had more time at Yellowstone, so we worked through the packets while there and the kids earned their badges. I was really impressed with the Ranger Discussion we chose to go to as part of the program--I learned cool things!

2. Toileting - Never assume that your child's bladder is empty. We've had to use "nature's restroom" before when I thought they'd gone recently enough that one more stop wasn't necessary. Wrong.

3. Expectations - Matt and I were amazed at how slowly we moved on hikes, getting out the door, etc. Things just take longer when you're with the kids, and that's ok. The kids brought an old camera, digging/exploring tools, and notebooks, and had a wonderful time learning about and appreciating things we never really would have noticed had we been moving at our typical pace.

Any other National Park/hiking tips from y'all? What do you find works best with your kids?

Marriage

So I started this post back in October and never ended up finishing it. I still think it has thoughts worth pondering though so I'm going to post it even though I was hoping to flesh out some things more.

Okay, on to the post! So we had a Stake Conference which included a regional broadcast and it was wonderful!

But the one talk I wanted to share about here was given by our Stake Relief Society President in the Saturday evening session. It was on love and respect in marriage.

She shared a scripture in Ephesians 5:33:

"Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

I think this scripture can often get women up in arms about what reverencing husbands exactly means but our Stake RS Pres applied it as respect. She talked about how women have a need to be unconditionally loved and men have a need to be unconditionally respected. She pointed out how it was interesting that the scripture doesn't command women to love their husbands, that is a given, it is easy for us to love. But we do receive specific counsel about reverencing or respecting our husbands.

She talked about how many marital problems and division happen because the wife is feeling unloved and the husband is feeling disrespected and how both of those play off of each other. The wife feels unloved so she criticizes which causes the husband to feel disrespected and he distances himself thus continuing the cycle. She talked about how it is important to remember the unconditional part, even when the other spouse is not deserving of love or respect, it is still important to show it.

Anyways, I thought she offered some perspective on a scripture that I hadn't really considered. And I know when Ammon and I feel off in our marriage it pretty much always comes back to myself feeling unloved or Ammon feeling not respected. And I know that when I most need to feel loved is when I haven't been very lovable or in other words when I may not deserve love that is when I need love most.  I'm working on remembering this and making sure to be respectful of Ammon especially around Zeke. And most especially when I may not think he deserves it. I have found that my feelings of his just desserts usually have more to do with my hunger/tiredness level and not really anything to do with Ammon :)

Ulcerative Colitis

Remember in college how we would tell Melissa, "I love your gut?" Well, that is because she had her colon removed due to a disease called ulcerative colitis. If you want to learn more about it, there is a great website called crohnsandcolitisinfo.com

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. It's been a rough couple of months! When Camille was 6 weeks old, I started having painful, watery, explosive diarrhea. At first, I thought it was just a stomach bug, but after several days no one else was getting sick, and the diarrhea was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I kind of just kept waiting it out, but after 4 weeks, I finally went to my doctor and did blood work and stool tests. My doctor's first concern was that I had C-diff, which is an intestinal bacteria commonly picked up in healthcare settings. Since I had just been in the hospital to have my baby, this was a likely explanation. My stool tests were negative for C-diff, but positive for white blood cells and inflammation, which indicates some sort of infection. He decided to put me on flagyl, an antibiotic that kills C-diff. At this point, I was having a lot of blood in my stool, which was concerning me and decreasing my energy levels pretty rapidly. After 7 days of being on flagyl and seeing no improvement and getting worse, I saw a gastroenterologist who said, "I think you either have Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis." That week I had a colonoscopy and received the diagnosis.

Ulcerative colitis is a life long disease. It is characterized by inflammation in the large intestine and rectum. Many people respond to treatments and have periods of "remission." Various stresses, foods, etc. can cause someone to have "flare-ups." The tricky thing with this is that it affects every person differently. Some people have it so severely that their colon is removed (like Melissa), but others can function pretty normally with diet changes and medication.

Right now, I am on prednisone (a steroid medication) and apriso (an anti-inflammatory medication that works locally in the gut). They seem to be helping and I have been feeling better, just not completely back to normal. I have seen a lot of blessings throughout the whole process (like the fact that Camille is such a good sleeper), but also a lot of disappointments (like having to stop nursing Camille).

It stinks! Anyone with chronic health problems can vouch that it is just not any fun! You never know what life is going to bring. Life may seem to be going so well, and then something like this happens and it changes things! One thing that has helped me during this rough time has been to be mindful of the many blessings I do have. Easier said than done, but I think when we truly look for the good in our lives, then we will find it, even amidst very hard trials. I would love to hear your thoughts!

Photo Books??

Q&A from Julie:

What type of scrapbooking system do you use to preserve and display your regular family photos?

I’m in a quandary right now about what to do with our pictures.  

Here is my experience:

I have not done photo albums from our first few years of marriage.  After Autumn was born, I made a digital photo book using MyPublisher.  I was disappointed in the graininess of the pictures, so I decided to try another company.  I gave Nelson a photo book for Father’s Day from Costco, and one of the pages ripped really easily, so I decided to try another company.  I made Anna’s baby book using Shutterfly.  The quality of the photos was not way better than MyPublisher, but I did like the options and user-friendly website of Shutterfly.  I stuck with them and have made several more photo books through them.  In 2012, I decided to make digital photo books of our family in 2011.  I had to divide the year quarterly and made four good-size books because I had so many pictures.  It took forever.  So in 2014, I decided to try Project Life by Becky Higgins.  It is basically lots of options of photo pockets for you to put your printed pictures in, then you can put their cute cards between pictures to write what’s happening in the photo or just be decorative.  While I really like the finished product, it seems like it has taken about as much time as digital scrapbooking, and I think it's been more expensive.

Here is my dilemma: 

Digital Photo Books

Pros:       You can fit lots of pictures on one page

                There are many options for backgrounds, stickers, etc.

                I like the finished product of a bound book.

                You can “highlight” special pictures easily.

Cons:      The quality of the finished pictures is not always perfect.

                I am a perfectionist and it takes me a very long time.

                The websites are often running slowly.

                I don’t love staring at the computer screen for a long time.

                I won’t let my kids look at or hold these books alone for fear that they’ll rip the pages.

Project Life/ Pocket Scrapbook Pages

Pros:  The quality of the pictures is as clear and good as where you have them printed.

            The pocket pages are thick and kids can look at the books without ripping them.

You can add in pictures and written text later, and you can add memory stuff like ticket stubs or programs in envelopes at the back.

Cons:   It is costly to print your pictures and buy the Project Life supplies.

            You can’t always fit the pictures exactly how you want with the pocket pages available.

It still takes a really long time.  I don’t know if I take too many pictures or write too much (probably both), but scrapbooking isn’t just something I can do fast!

It is much easier if you have all of the pictures printed before you start (you’ll be shuffling pictures and cards around if you try to get started before having every picture ready to go).

I would love your advice!  What do you use, what do you recommend, how do you include scrapbooking in your regular life with kids, ANY tips?