I've been pretty absent here. Completely absent, really. Child number dos kindof threw me for a loop. A big loop. I'm still in that loop. Motherhood is a complicated kind of a job, you know? I watched about 2 minutes of an interview with Jada Pinkett Smith where she spoke with her daughter about how motherhood is the most rewarding, most challenging thing, because of how difficult it is to find balance.
Balance... that ever-elusive state. It's hard to balance the dreams of one's children, one's own dreams, and the dreams of one's spouse. How much time do I spend pursuing my kids' needs? How much time to I devote to my own? How much to my husband's? And then again, what ARE my actual needs? I have some, and what are they? Do they trump my child's? Do they come second? Is it different in every case? How do I give of myself, without becoming depleted? How do I refill and replenish in a way that honors myself, my spouse, and my child?
And is it okay that I mourn a little bit the loss of my complete independence? That I sometimes dream of a Saturday wherein I wake up late, go for a run, take a looooooong shower, curl my hair, go out to breakfast by myself and read a book, then set out to get some things done and I get them done?
And then the next minute, is it even normal that I'm completely sobbing with the enormity of the love I feel for my little ones? Thinking that I'd never change my life for anything, because of how my heart is never the same? These beautiful little eternities walking around my house, trusting me with their everything, and here I am wanting to run away from it all.
... But only sometimes, for maybe just a day, because as soon as I hear my little Lito cry, you'd best believe I'm running pell-mell to wipe those tears and make it better with my kisses. Because I treasure those sacred before-sleep moments with my Bean when he tells me what the planets were like when they were babies and what they ate to make them the colors they are, and how he holds my face and looks just exactly like an angel as he drifts off comfortably to sleep, safe in the arms of his mama, who just told him over and over that she loves him, just exactly as he is, and always and forever, just like God.
And I'd never wish away the way my heart has grown three sizes toward all parents, the fellow sufferers and fellow rejoicers, caught, all of us together, in the same weird place where we don't know who we are, and have this faint whispering in our souls that we're just catching the vision of who we are becoming, who we've always been meant to be, the children of our Father who's walked this hallowed path before us and knows just perfectly the transformation a child enlivens upon a heart, because we've transformed His.
So maybe balance isn't it, after all. I guess balance looks different from day to day anyway, right? So what is it that I am really seeking? What is this direction that my heart is going, and my selfish self keeps pulling away from?
Jesus said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10).
What I really want is abundance. My carnal self, my worldly self, wants about 9 hours of sleep and to do whatever it is that strikes my fancy. But my other self, my real self, my steadily-growing-stronger-than-my-selfish self, wants abundance in a world that defines itself by scarcity and limitation. But Christ does not, the Father does not:
Jesus said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10).
What I really want is abundance. My carnal self, my worldly self, wants about 9 hours of sleep and to do whatever it is that strikes my fancy. But my other self, my real self, my steadily-growing-stronger-than-my-selfish self, wants abundance in a world that defines itself by scarcity and limitation. But Christ does not, the Father does not:
Luke 1:33 And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.
Moses 1:38 And as one earth shall pass away, and the heavens thereof even so shall another come; and there is no end to my works, neither to my words.
Psalms 103:17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children’s children;
Doctrine and Covenants 20:17 By these things we know that there is a God in heaven, who is infinite and eternal, from everlasting to everlasting the same unchangeable God, the framer of heaven and earth, and all things which are in them;
Doctrine and Covenants 61:1 Behold, and hearken unto the voice of him who has all power, who is from everlasting to everlasting, even Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.
Isaiah 9:7 Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this.
Italics added by me to emphasize to myself that God doesn't run out of things. He doesn't have a perishable amount of patience with me, He doesn't run out of help or hope or mercy or love or justice or peace. He IS abundance.
One translation I read of the above-mentioned John 10:10 takes the Greek to English in this way: "I came in order that they might continuously have life, even that they may continuously have it all-around."
Life all around. That certainly describes motherhood. Little lives all around. Surrounded by life, the real kind of life, the eternal kind of life.
Continuously having life all around. Sounds about perfect, does it not? It's exhausting sometimes. Much of the time, really, it's exhausting having that continuous life, all around, always around, always little life needing nourishment as it grows into real life, into eternal life. And there is our Father, there is our Mother, always around also, continuously giving life, giving nourishment, to the mothers and the fathers who give life, too.
Doctrine and Covenants 132:20 Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be gods, because they have all power, and the angels are subject unto them.
I found this last scripture as a stroke of complete mercy of the most tender variety. I am like Him when I continue. Continue having life, all around, everlasting to everlasting.
Not balance, but abundance: continuously all around, continuing everlastingly.
I believe He will give me that life. He is giving me that life, one day at a time, one tear at a time, one snuggle at a time, one heart-transforming moment at a time.
Life all around.
Moses 1:38 And as one earth shall pass away, and the heavens thereof even so shall another come; and there is no end to my works, neither to my words.
