Positive Communication

In my experience as a teacher and mom, I have seen great value in teaching children how to communicate positively.  I believe that positive communication is the root of characteristics that we want all children to develop: good manners, social awareness, emotional maturity, respect, and empathy.  Here are some things we can do to communicate positively with our children, and teach them positive communication skills:

1. Tell The Child What They CAN Do

We all know it’s true:  one of the first words most children learn is “No.”  We have to tell them no sometimes—maybe a lot of times—to teach them what is safe and right.  But the important thing is that we don’t stop at saying no.  Children also need to know why they can’t do something. It teaches them that the choices they make have consequences, and helps them feel like they are not powerless or being bossed around. Then, most importantly, we need to follow it up by telling the child what they CAN do.

1. Say No

2. Say Why

3. Tell them what they CAN do

Examples:

• "Please don't spit watermelon seeds on your brother.  That is making him sad.  You can spit seeds into the grass instead."  (See picture above :).  All pictures on this post are from the media library at lds.org.)
• “Anna, please don’t pull all of the books out of the bookshelf!  They will get ripped so we can’t read them, and it’s a lot for you to clean up.  You can choose one book to look at.”
• “No!  Don’t touch the knives in the dishwasher!  You might get cut—they are sharp.  You can be in charge of clearing out the plastic cups on top instead.”
• “Please don’t dump out your cup!  It will spill on your pretty shirt and you’ll have to change.  You can put your cup in the sink if you’re done.”
• As I am typing this, Autumn tried picking up little David off of his blanket on the floor.  “No- don’t pick up David!  Do you know why?  [she answered] I can help you pick him up.  You can pick up any of the toys on the floor, but not David by yourself.”

2. Restate To Make It Positive

Along with bringing home nasty germs, Anna picked up some feisty negative statements from nursery a few months ago.  “NNNNNNNNo!” and “MMMMMMMMine!” became common vocabulary for our passive girl.  I talked to her about how that is not a kind or Christlike way to talk, and told her some different things to say.  “Instead of saying ‘NNNNNNNNo!’ we say, ‘No, thank you!’  Instead of saying ‘MMMMMMMMine! and grabbing toys away, we say, ‘Can I have a turn, please?’”  After a couple of weeks of consistent reminders for Anna to restate these negative comments, she most often uses the positive language now.  Every single time she says No or Mine, I make her restate it before she can have what she wants.  “Can I have a turn, please?” might seem long for a nursery-age child to say, but even if a child could say “My turn?” in a gentle tone instead of “MINE!,” their communication would be more positive.  Also important: then help the other child say, “Sure—when I’m done.” Positive communication requires and thus builds a child’s vocabulary. 

If a child says something unkind to another child, you can help them apologize and restate what they want.  It is important to teach kids how to communicate among themselves—not always allowing adults take over and apologize or resolve the situation for the children. Anna will sometimes yell, “Get off you!” (meaning, “Get off me”) if someone is sitting on her or her special blanket.  I help her restate that by asking her, “Anna, can you say, ‘Will you please move, Autumn?’”  I have seen that when a child restates a negative comment, their demeanor changes from upset and defensive to calm and cooperative. 

It is really important to help kids restate negative comments immediately, instead of ignoring the statement.  I watched a little girl repeatedly tell her parents no when they asked her to help clean up then eat her dinner.  They did not respond to her when she said no.  So naturally, she didn't help clean up, and she didn't eat her dinner.  Her negative communication was reinforced, and she will most definitely continue saying no.  That doesn't mean that a child can never say no or have an opinion.  It is often  appropriate to ask the child why they want/don’t want something, and to compromise with them.  We just can’t ignore negative communication.

 Conversely, I watched another little girl tell her mom "NO" this morning.  Her mom said, “Try again,” and her daughter thought about it for a minute, then replied, “Okay, Mom.”  Her mom congratulated her for making a better choice. 

3. Changing Negative Body Language into Positive Communication

I have heard lots of teachers repeat over and over, “Use your words!  Use your words!” and I have seen many kids respond with blank stares.  That catch phrase- meaning that we should talk about problems instead of using physical aggression to work things out- requires explanation and practice to be worthwhile.  

When a child hits/kicks/bites/pushes, first acknowledge that you understand why they are upset, but that hitting/kicking/biting/pushing is not a way to solve your problem, help you feel better, be kind, etc.  Then help the child “restate” their body language into words.  This is challenging for toddlers.  It requires building their vocabulary so they know what they can say instead of hurting someone.  Young children need to be given the exact words to use, especially when they are feeling upset enough to physically hurt someone else.  Help them say something like, “Please don’t do that!  That hurts my feelings!” instead of kicking or pushing in retaliation. 

Your child can learn to recognize when another child is sad or upset, and learn what to say to help them.  They can also learn how to communicate what is making them sad to other children and adults. 

  

Role plays and puppets can be effective and fun ways to teach positive communication (the teacher/parent could be the one pretending to be hurt or upset).  Children could help you write a story of someone who was upset but chose to use positive communication instead of hurting another person.   

4. Set The Example

We are the best examples to our children of how to positively communicate.  When we yell or speak unkindly, we can apologize and use more positive language.  Children are without guile, and sarcasm is confusing to them.  Our tone of voice can sometimes be more important than the words we say. 

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a wonderful talk called Tongue of Angels in 2007, including this gem,  

"We must be so careful in speaking to a child.  What we say or don't say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child's view of himself or herself.  But it is even more important in shaping that child's faith in us and faith in God.  Be constructive in your comments to a child-- always.  Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely.  You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget-- and to forgive.  And try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it.  You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty.  Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture's obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are 'enough.'"  

And finally, from Sister Rosemary Wixom's talk in 2013 called The Words We Speak:

"One of the greatest influences a person can have in this world is to influence a child.  Children's beliefs and self-worth are shaped early in their lives.  Everyone within the sound of my voice has the power to increase a child's confidence in himself or herself adn to increase a child's faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ through the words they speak."